BOREDOM AVERSION THEATRE

Why not

Hi! As you may have noticed I've become a lazy piece of shit w/r/t this blog, a perception I will now confirm by sinking lower than anyone on the entire blogosphere by annotating a post I made on ILG a bajillion years ago about my beloved PS3. Hey, it's either this or continue to sit here and do no work.

truthfully, my ps3 gets more playtime than any other console I've ever had, especially now that trophies are starting to get implemented more widely.

The key word in this sentence is "console"; the DS is still my gaming road-to-Damascus moment overall. Trophies really were a great addition, though - thanks to this generation's unprecedented emphasis on massive, sprawling game-worlds, it's an imperative that developers find a way to shape "dicking around in the game" into something more productive. Well, more productive than eating your own poop, at least.

consider:

* w/ the latest firmware update, the PS3 natively supports full-screen flash 9 video (e.g. Hulu, BBC iPlayer, etc) and can stream Netflix movies from a media server. plus TVersity supports the PS3 right out of the gate too.

Still very much true; if you're looking for a media hub, the PS3 is probably your best entry-level bet thanks to a variety of technologies Sony wisely built into it. (The best media hub overall, however, is easily the Popcorn Hour, which not only supports [larger, cheaper, quieter] 3.5" drives but also works as a standalone BitTorrent and Newsreader client if you get mah drift.) PMS owns TVersity, though. Actually, it works so well that I'm a little surprised someone hasn't licensed it and started charging for it.

* not only are there an ass-ton of awesome PSN games (PixelJunk games, Super Stardust HD, The Last Man, etc), but since the PSN doesn't have size restrictions developers are free to publish utterly disc-worthy games like Wipeout HD (or offer full installs of BD-based games like Burnout or Warhawk). plus game-sharing lets you split the cost of PSN games with four other friends to save $$$$ - I paid $6 for Burnout and $3 for SF2HD! (I know, I know, lol @ buying a $8000000000 machine to save ten bucks every couple of months, but still.) PLUS you actually get to pay in real currency rather than asinine Sony Fun Bucks or whatever.

Crash. Fucking. Commando. And I guess Flower and Noby Noby Boy and Burn Zombie Burn and a bunch of other games too oh yeah and Fat Princess in a couple of months, but Crash. Fucking. Commando. I am still irredeemably shitty at it but you just can't beat the feeling of perfectly banking a grenade. Not even with a stick.

Also the paying-in-actual-currency remains a massively underrated component of the PSN; I've had excess Wii points sitting in my account pretty much since I bought the damn thing back in dickety-six. Game sharing remains tremendous but since all of my friends are too ethical (I prefer "dumb") to set up a group share account I've had to pick my spots lately. It's still a great option to have, though.

* WPA2 support! the other big perks of the PS3's network support were already mentioned (free & out-of-box wireless support), but as the one dumbass in America actually trying to run a local Wireless-N network, WPA2 was the big selling point for me. the wireless adapter for the 360 costs a hundred damn dollars, doesn't support WPA2 despite THE BOX SAYING OTHERWISE, and comes backed by a statement from MSFT which boils down to "WPA2 is for homosexuals and this is a MAN'S MAN'S MAN'S CONSOLE HERE BRAH". nuts to that.

Seriously, though: fuck that access point.

* PSP remote play is kind of staggeringly superfluous; I don't play games while sitting on the toilet so the appeal is somewhat limited to me personally. having said that, it's an undeniably cool little gimmick which is at least as much fun to show off to your nerdy friends as Electroplankton.

Embarassing admission theater: one night a few months ago I decided to give Remote Play another go and ended up going on the greatest run in PixelJunk Eden that I ever had (seriously, I was like this close to getting that all-the-pollen trophy before, well...) while parked on the shitter. Unfortunately, I had taken a fistful of melatonin a few hours earlier, and at some point during the run they all took over my consciousness at once. Cue a disoriented James waking up on the terlit several hours later, pants around ankles, PSP still in hand... and PJE game over. Not my proudest moment, although I suppose it's a pretty good proof-of-concept for Remote Play in general.

* the PS3 - especially the latest hardware revisions - are whisper-quiet. I lucked into a used 60-gig at Gamestop somehow over the summer and I have to admit that it does make a little noise, but keep in mind that I'm comparing it to (a) the library-silent 40-gig I'd been playing on before trading it in towards the 60, and (b) the airport tarmac disc-drive motor in my former 360.

Also, note that my PS3 was this quiet despite me accidentally blocking off the wrong exhaust vent; I've since moved it to a cubby in my entertainment center with better ventilation and if anything it's gotten quieter.

* also a backwards-compatible PS3 may well be the last console you ever need to buy. punching tigers in the face in Yakuza 2 is fun. punching gorgeously upscaled tigers in the face is a virtual Bacchanalia. and don't even get me started on how great Odin Sphere looks when upscaled.

All of the above remains true, especially the part about Yakuza 2. Legitimately one of my favorite games from last generation full-stop.

* and speaking of buying used consoles, unlike the 360, the PS3 hardware is a fucking tank. each PS3 can be used to bludgeon eight hoboes to death before needing to be replaced; with the 360, you're lucky if you can even kill three.

No news on this front, either - it's still going strong. Man, this must be the most engrossing thing you've ever read on the internet.

* oh, and there are actually hell of great games out for the PS3 right now; get one Uncharted, LBP, MGS4, Buzz Quiz, and all the aforementioned PSN games. plus the PS3's 2009 exclusives look unbelievably promising: Infamous, White Knight Chronicles, God of War III, GT5, Fat Princess, Nobi Nobi Boy, new stuff from the PixelJunk and Ico ppl, etc. plus more and more multi-platform games are being lead-dev'd on PS3 these days (Mirror's Edge, Burnout Paradise, and the new Prince of Persia spring to mind); I doubt that'll make them BETTER than their 360 counterparts, but it's a pretty clear sign that the days of the PS3 getting turdly ports is drawing to a close.

Obviously this could be expanded on into infinity; I didn't even think to mention The Show '09 fer fux sake. And if anything, I'm selling the PS3's 2o09 short here - I mean, whither Prototype/KoF/EyePet? Meanwhile, the last 360 exclusive I can even remember wanting is - L4D? The GTA expansion? I'm Ron Burgundy?

for balance, here are the things I miss from my 360:

- widespread voice chat, which made casual games like Uno and Catan exponentially more enjoyable social experiences (especially if you enjoy ridiculing/provoking the mouth-breathing future leaders of tomorrow). I wish future PS3s would ship with headsets, although the official bluetooth one is so slick that it might not be cost-effective.

Apparently I'm one of the few people who actually likes open-mic games, although then again that might have something to do with most of my XBL gaming taking place in the aforementioned Uno and Catan rather than pre-teen domains like GTA or CoD. Still, though - what the fuck is this push-to-talk bullroar in Warhawk and Crash Commando?! My withering putdowns never have the same oomph when I have to sheepishly repeat them like eight times.

- it's mandatory to build achievements into yr game (although trophy support apparently becomes mandatory for PS3 starting in January)

Rather than go over this again I will simply link to this instead. Because it rules.

- the controller, except for the d-pad (although I managed to snag a pair of those clip-on PS3 triggers a while back and MAN do they ever help out)

For real, though - buy those triggers. Best eight bucks you can spend on your PS3 - at worst, it's second only to a HDMI cable from Monoprice.

- apparently can be h@x0r3ed to play backups if you're 1337 enough (then again, my backlog is indefensibly long already)

Oh well, I'll just steal twice as much stuff on my PSP to compensate.

- no stupid poopbutt Sixaxis controls ever

As of February, this point can be read as "Cannot play Flower". Disregard it.

blah, blah, blah. I say all of this as someone who gleefully bashed the PS3 as an overpriced format-war boondoggle at every opportunity until I actually started thinking about buying one. I was wrong; against all odds, I seem to be getting way more than my money's worth (although as a game machine, it and everything else this generation still takes a backseat to the DS, of course).

If anything, this is underselling the situation dramatically; the PS3 is such a quality piece of hardware that it basically killed off any console-warrior impulses I may have ever had. I mean, yes there are plenty of irritating aspects to it (the installations, the slow speed of network updates, Home's altogether-indefensible existence), but that's true of any console (for instance, did you know the 360 tends to break a lot? Shocking, I know!). In the meantime, the functionality you do get out of a PS3 is second to none. If anything, a 10-year life cycle could be too short; Sony's going to need to include a self-cleaning Fleshlight (or, y'know, maybe just reintroduce PS2 BC) in order to make an upgrade worth it.

seriousbusiness.gif, I guess

But of course.

Upcoming Release Anticipation Countdown Espectacularrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

LOL, coming (photo)

Jesus, isn't summer supposed to be a dead time for game releases? I can only assume that the uncharacteristic glut of impossibly-appealing games being released this summer can be chalked up to the world economy circling the drain; surely, say, Sucker Punch would have held onto inFamous until the fall if it weren't waiting for this "recession-proof" industry to follow suit. Oh well; their loss is our gain. (all release dates are presumed. HOW DAER YUO CRUSH MY DREAMS.)

5. PixelJunk Monsters PSP (photo)

The prospect of having access to PJM anywhere, at any time - in bed, on the bus, on the terlit, in court, at a funeral, in a black hole, in Kentucky, etc. - is a terrifying one; it was hard enough to dream up excuses to stop playing it when marrying my ass to the couch was a condition for playing it. God help us all if they actually allow folks to play cooperatively over the tubes this time. I mean, in that situation, aren't we faced with a PSP game werth by-ong? Uh, I mean a PSPhuh gum woof baryeng? A fnuhfnuh fnuh fnuhfnuh? Fuck, I can't even type it.

4. Muramasa: The Demon Blade (photo)

I have only actually beaten about 8% of Odin Sphere, but I love it so much in principle that I cannot help but get impossibly excited for this game. Plus, yay, another Wii game to buy! Will we crack five this year? Dare we dream the impossible dream? STAY TUNED~

3. inFamous (photo)

Assassin's Creed was the first game I beat this generation; of course I'm going to get this.

2. Fight Night Round 4 (photo)

Here is how excited I am for this game: I actually preordered it today. Well, technically I paid $41.06 towards preording it today; since there's a GameStop right by my office, I decided to take advantage of their occasional "trade in more shit, get more trade credit" promotion to try and get enough in exchange for Space Invader Exteme (holla at yr boy if you're looking for a paddle, btw) and Super Princess Peach (yes, at one point in my life I actually decided that I needed to own this game) to get Chinatown Wars. Because I scored a 1 on my AP calculus exam, I ended up with an assload more credit than anticipated, which I decided to put towards the surest thing since, well, #1 on this list. (I mean, I've beaten FNR3 three times (twice on PS3 alone), and that was without Trophies; it's just such an adjective-defyingly ecstatic experience to beat the everliving shit out of someone with your right thumb. They could have gotten away with "FNR3 + Trophies + Mike Tyson", but noooooooooo, they had to be awesome and tack on a hundred billion improvements on top of that.) Incidentally, it's striking how GameStop clerks respond when you tell them you want to reserve something today; other sales associates were, like, cheering and shit, like the guy had just won the lottery. I have no idea what GameStop's incentive system for register jockeys who manage to elicit preoders from customers is, but if the store's collective response was any indication I just helped my mans make a down payment on a house. That, or my preorder got him out of getting fired/forced to work weekends/ordered to fight the Kraken this week.

This is getting depressing. Let's talk about the least depressing-sounding game ever:

1. Mario & Luigi 3 (photo)

The short version is that this is basically my favorite series in existence. I love the Mario games and the Paper Mario games and even ("even") Mario RPG as much as any other sentience-possessing organism on this planet, but the Mario & Luigi series of games is in another class of games entirely; from the visible enemy encounters to the not-just-picking-attack-from-a-menu battle system to the legitimately funny script, the M&L series is all about delivering pure gratification within seconds of being booted up (probably a lucky consequence of its handheld heritage). And while M&L3 will lack Partners in Time's inexplicable Rumble Pak support (which effectively turned PiT into a rhythm game [a really really awesome rhythm game]), it's still the next installment in the best series ever, so nyah.

Now let's get into the long version. Yes, the long version. To save you all some time, I'm just going to bold all the parts of this set of revelations which give me a raging, blue-veined, mind-of-its-own vidyagameboner:

"Here is gameplay:

The game switches between three playable characters. Mario & Luigi are found together inside Bowser for the first part of the game, exploring a 2D environment, much like a platformer. Bowser explores the Mushroom Kingdom in a 3/4 overhead view world, much like previous Mario & Luigi games. After a point in the game, Mario & Luigi can go out of Bowser to explore the overworld. They can use a pipe to return inside Bowser.

Mario and Luigi can both jump, spin jump and use hammers in the over world. The bros can also use hammers and jump during a battle. Jumping in battles have been altered so the Bros can now execute a double jump on an enemy. As in the previous games, the “A” button controls Mario while the “B” button controls Luigi.

Bowser uses both the “X” and “Y” buttons. “Y” is used for fire breath and “X” is used for punching. Later in the game, you can get a sliding punch and a ground pound. The battle system has been altered for Bowser. Punching replaces jump and the hammer is replaced with fire breath. There is also the Vacuum system wherein you can make Bowser suck certain things from the enemies or even the enemies themselves. Whenever you suck the enemies though, you then control Mario and Luigi to defeat these enemies.

Bros. Points (BP) have been brought back from the first game in the series, only this time, it is now called Skill Points (SP) because of Bowser’s playability. Items also make a comeback. Items can be acquired by collecting 10 “Attack Parts”. Upon collecting all 10, you can use the item. Using items uses up skill points as opposed to “Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time” wherein items have to be bought. Some examples of Mario and Luigi special attacks are the Green Shell (The shell is repeatedly kicked up to a certain amount), the Sweets Basket(Luigi eats falling sweets, causing him to bloat. Mario in turn will throw him up, causing a massive shock wave), and the Here and There Window (The brothers are hidden in the window. Pressing the corresponding button will help lengthen the attack). Bowser can also get special attacks by freeing his armies, or collecting cat-like blocks. Bowser’s attack uses the touch screen. Example of these attacks is the Goomba army (touching the Goombas send them flying up, causing higher damage than when they hit the enemies), and the Bob-Omb Army (Use the touch screen to place the Bob-Omb to go in front of the enemies, in which they’ll damage the enemies by exploding).

There are also new features in the third game, such as the ranking system, which lets players earn rank as they level up. Earning ranks will allow Mario, Luigi, or Bowser to equip more items, or buy more equipments.

The badge system has also changed. Instead of badges that gives certain skills, badges are now used to get incentives whenever you get a “good”, a “great”, or an “excellent” in your attacks. Such incentives include Health or Skill points recovery, or attack increase.

Minigames have also been used for the main story, unlike in the second game wherein there is only one available minigame. Some minigames include the “arm power-up” (Mario and Luigi hit spark-like things to strengthen Bowsers arms), the “leg power-up” (Mario and Luigi stomp on leg muscle to strengthen Bowser’s legs), and the stomach digestion (Mario and Luigi digest the food that Bowser eats).

A certain minigame let’s you increase Bowser’s size up to a giant. This would let you enter a new battle system wherein the DS is held like a book. You attack using the stylus and the microphone (blowing through the microphone lets you breathe out fire).

Here is the Development info:

Nintendo revealed Mario Luigi RPG 3 at a press conference in Japan ^[6]. Nintendo of Japan revealed details of the game relating to the plot and gameplay, as well as the fact that it would have intensive use of the touch screen . AlphaDream, developers of Superstar Saga andPartners In Time, developed this game, with experienced contibutors to the Mario series such as Yoko Shimomura and Charles Martinet working on music and voice acting, respectively.

Here is the Plot:

A mysterious plague is taking over the Mushroom Kingdom. The only symptom that this disease results in is the inflating of the Toads many times their normal size, causing them to grow big and roll around without any control; the disease is known as the “Metakoro”. A council is called to discuss what might have to be done, and Mario and Luigi are both called to further discuss what could be done with this disease that is spreading. At this time, Bowser enters Peach’s castle and tries to kidnap her by force. Mario then fights Bowser to protect the princess. After his inevitable defeat, Bowser wakes up in a forest and a mysterious figure offers a “lucky mushroom” to Bowser, who eats it. He unknowingly gains the ability to inhale things and becomes brain-washed by Fawful, a villain from the previous installments. Fawful sends Bowser to Peach’s Castle, where he swallows all the Mushroom Kingdom council members. With Peach and Bowser preoccupied, Fawful then takes control over both of their castles. When he awakes, Bowser proceeds to chase Fawful. Meanwhile, Mario & Luigi must attempt to find a way out of Bowser’s stomach."

Any questions?

tl;dr: Basically this blog is going to last until this game comes out.

HONORABLE MENTION

• Uncharted 2 (the original being probably my favorite 3d platformer since SMB64)
  
• Fat Princess (if only I were the type of man to eat cake in the vicinity of cameras)
  
• Prototype (because come on, we all remember how awesome Crackdown was)
  
• Wii Sports Resort (IMO this still belongs more in the Wii Play line than the Wii Sports since it's going to come down to "INSTRUMENTAL CONTROLLER + game", but I do still want it so w/e)
  
• Infinite Space (Platinum, you are my BOY[s])
  
  
  
  

By Way Of Introduction

A blah blah blah lists are the last refuge of the uncreative a blee blee blee haven't even tried to do anything with this damn domain since I bought it a bloo bloo bloo bloo fuck it. Fuckin' lists for you. Raaaah!

GAMES OF THE YEAR 2009: A QUARTERLY REPORT

5. Rhythm Heaven (photo)

Because it takes me forever and ever to beat even the easiest, shortest, for-little-girls-and-grandmas-only-est games, I'm still making my way through Rhythm Heaven - in fact, due to a recent overload of both work and Aeroplane, I haven't even touched it in like a week. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I decided to break out my DS only to discover that it had been even longer since I'd charged it up, necessitating a trip to the wall; not wanting to lose my momentum, I decided to sit my ass down and play as I recharged. It didn't take me long to get stuck trying to get a perfect on Shoot-Em-Up, a minigame where you play as a spaceship blasting the life out of invading aliens by tapping to a beat; no matter how earnestly I whipped my head around like Stevie Wonder in a vain effort to stay the course, I kept getting thrown off by following the visuals rather than the rhythm and expecting the patterns to go for longer than one bar. It got so bad that I eventually had to break out the one trick I'd learned in Rhythm Tengoku, RH's equally-ecstatically-inscrutable GBA predecessor, and close my eyes to shut out all distractions. And yet even going that far wasn't enough; after enough failure I quit out of the game in a huff, dedicating myself to conquering that other game where giant Easter Island heads sing to each other and get pooped on by birds. Unfortunately, I had to open my eyes in order to quit out of Shoot-Em-Up and accidentally caught a reflection of myself in my TV - a twenty-eight year-old Scott Walker-listening math-documentary-watching beardo hipster fuckup sitting Native-American-style on the floor hunched over his (blue!) DS in high dudgeon over his inability to successfully shoot down all of the invading cartoon monsters in time to the rhythm.

My point is that Rhythm Heaven is tremendous.

4. Peggle: Dual Shot (photo)

On the one hand, this is kind of inarguably the Chrono Trigger DS of puzzle game releases - you can't deny the obvious upgrades made, but really you're just voting for the game you fell in love with all those years ago. On the other hand, WOO PEGGLE ON THE BUS WITH A STYLUS AND WITH A SHITTON MORE STAGES WOO.

3. MLB 09: The Show (photo)

Unfortunately everything I have to say about this game has already been said by a great, great man; I have nothing to add except that I am still pants-shittingly awful at this game (although I'm getting okay-ish at fielding) and that my love is in no way diminished by this. Best sports game since NFL2K1.

2. Flower (photo)

Certain. The word is certain. I was dead-set iron-clad certain that this game was going to be a gigantic, fetid Jurassic Park-sized pile of overblown, overrated shit - basically, the PSN's Braid. But no, I was wrong (it happens); Flower turned out to actually be fun. I'm still very much all "Well." at all the Emotive and Intentionally Vague term papers folks were posting around the time of its release, mind you - my point is that it's actually enjoyable to play through Flower, largely thanks to the most successfully-implemented motion controls since Wii Sports. I freely admit to being an inveterate game-blamer with regards to control responsiveness (as my neighbors can attest, I turn into Jon Hamm on 30 Rock when I play SF2HD), and yet I have absolutely no complaints about how Flower plays; it kinda reminds me of Super Mario 64 (or maybe even SMB1 if my, er, unreliable memory can be trusted) in that it took me a while to come to terms with the staggering degree of control suddenly at my fingertips, but by the end I was fly...uh, I was airbo...er...well, shit, it's pretty hard to think of a non-corny metaphor given Flower's central conceit. Just know that the corn is pretty damned justified in this one case.

1. MadWorld (photo)

Because I started playing both this and God Hand within a few months of each other, it's going to be a little difficult for me to avoid sounding like a slavering Clover fanboy here; also, since that renaissance of discovery occurred within the last, like, three months, it's going to be even harder for me to avoid sounding like a massive Johnny-come-lately douchebag. Well, fuck it; MadWorld is a completely gratifying, thoroughly involving video gaming product from ship to stern, the kind of game that makes you want to applaud the medium as a whole. A lot of people have already drawn the Jet Grind Radio comparisons by now, which is infuriating because it's still far and away the most accurate frame of reference; it's just that where JGR overloaded your with hardcore weeaboo signifiers, MadWorld does it with violence. That's not to say that MadWorld's great because it's a violent game - it's great because the violence is integrated so smoothly and intuitively (it won't take you long before you're scanning environments for bonus-multiplying violence-enhancers with the same eye for line-clearing opportunities Tetris taught you) and, above all, stylishly. Like, stylish to the point of being the best-looking game of the year so far, and it's not even close. For reference, Flower is a tooth-rottingly beautiful game, the kind of software that makes you (momentarily) pleased with yourself for having kicked yourself squaw in the credit rating over an absurd 1080p techno-boondoggle. MadWorld, by comparison, doesn't even run in progressive scan. That's not a setup for anything, incidentally; just something to consider when you're taking MadWorld's visuals in and reeling from how much better they look than everything else you've played this year. Also gets bonus points for being legitimately funny. I suppose you are all intimately familiar with legitimate hilarity's polar opposite, "Video Game Funny"; rest assured that you're in the hands of Greg Proops and John "Bender" Di Maggio given the freedom to cuss like sixth graders.